shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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