Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
