did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
