Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
