That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
