Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
