I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
