i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
