I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
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didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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