Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
