I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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