So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
