Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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