How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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