My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
