my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
