he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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