The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I pour the whiskey from now on
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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