You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
