My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
