the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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