So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me