I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party