o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.