whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
