Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
