im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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