he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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