and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
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Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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