We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
