the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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