why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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