why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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