So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
