My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
