I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
