never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
