i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
