That's intense
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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