I showed him my bush... on skype.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
