dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So much rum. So many feels.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
