Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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