I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
