I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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