omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I could fuck to npr.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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