Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
