No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
