god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
