Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
