so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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