The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
