I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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