I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
