how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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