..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
