You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
