So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
