so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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